The 10 best jokes on Cranham.net's Friday email
(in no particular order)
Vote for your favourite - send email to simon@giantplanet.com
1) List of quotes found on various company's personal reports...
1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and shows signs of starting to dig.
2. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
3. I would not allow this man to breed.
4. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be.
5. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
6. When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
7. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
8. This man has delusions of adequacy.
9. He sets low personal standards and the consistently fails to achieve them.
10. This employee should go far -- the sooner he starts, the better.
11. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.12. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.13. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't looking.14. A room temperature I.Q.15. Got a full six-pack, but is missing the plastic thingy that holds it together.

2) bumper stickers...
* If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer
* You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
* The Earth Is Full - Go Home
* This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
* Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
* If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
* The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
* Honk If Anything Falls Off
* Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes
* He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
* I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
* I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
* It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now
* I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
* If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over.. [Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep]
* Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window

3) Absolute proof of marriage in the Animal Kingdom,

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4) Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. (By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.)

P = The problem logged by the pilot
S = The solution and action taken by the engineers

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud. (Distance Measuring Equipment)
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget.

5) With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded parking lots, especially during evening hours, City Councils are establishing "Women Only" parking lots. Even the parking lot attendants are exclusively female so that a comfortable environment is created for patrons. Please find attached the first picture available of this world-first. Here it is...

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6) Transcript of the new answering service recently installed at the Royal College of Psychiatry:
Hello, and welcome to the mental health helpline.
If you are an obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone, date of birth, NI number, your mother's maiden name, where you were this time last week, and the week before, the last five US Presidents and the capital of every former British Colony.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9 If you have short-term memory loss, press 9 If you have short-term memory loss, press 9 If you have short-term memory loss, press 9
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.

7) Following the announcement of latest in hands free mobile phone equipment several weeks ago...

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The very latest Palm Pilot Organiser has been announced...

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8) Believe it or not...
this is the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. The Radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on Oct. 10, 1995.

US Ship: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
CANADIAN reply: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.US Ship: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I say again, divert your course.
CANADIAN reply: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course!
US Ship: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS CORAL SEA, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!!
CCANADIAN reply: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

9) Man of the year award

10) some offerings from Church magazines...

1) Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
2) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
3) The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
4) This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
5) Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
6) Tuesday at 4PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
7) Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
8) Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
9) Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.
10) The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
11) This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
12) Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
13) Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
14) Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
15) The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
16) A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
17) At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
18) Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
19) Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
20) The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge--Up Yours."